"Finally and appropriately, like a tardy teenager, the Government's long-awaited green paper emerged kicking and screaming this week," wrote Rebecca Smithers. Pardon?
Toddlers are sometimes known for kicking and screaming. But are teenagers?
And do green papers kick and scream?
The Daily Telegraph was concerned about the corrupting effects of the discount cards. It claimed that the green paper had "brought accusations that ministers are bribing children to stay out of trouble". Who made those accusations? It didn't say.
Pocket money from the Government was the Daily Mirror's angle. It described the discount card as a "supermarket-style loyalty card for youngsters aged 13 to 16". For this to make sense you have to think of going to school and avoiding trouble as a bit like regularly shopping at Tesco.
The biggest criticism was reported in the Liverpool Echo, under the headline "Don't fob off deprived kids". Warren Bradley, the city's executive member for sports and leisure, attacked the opportunity cards as a cheap government gimmick.
But for the wackiest spin, it's back to The Guardian. Its main news story on the topic was headlined: "Ministers deny smart card offering pocket money to teenagers is covert ID." By what convoluted thought process can a non-compulsory card with a photo and date of birth be equated with an identity card system?
Tony Blair is wondering aloud whether parents should be required to "baby-sit" suspended pupils to prevent them roaming the streets and beginning a life of crime.
That's one prime ministerial notion. Another is to consider whether excluded kids should be compelled to do community service.
Margaret Morrissey, of the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations, told The Independent the first idea was "ridiculous". She said: "How does it help if the parent is forced to give up work and can't pay the mortgage?"
She admitted there might be some possibilities in the community work plan, but warned that some young people could be seen as "frightening to the people they were trying to help". Scary stuff.
