You have to read between the lines - because the lines themselves are bonkers. Beezy Marsh, the paper's health correspondent, told readers that GPs "will be expected to spend 15 to 20 minutes inquiring into the sex life of each teenager, even if the teenager comes in for an ailment such as a sore throat".
Hasn't anyone at The Daily Telegraph ever met a teenager?
"When did the kids take over the place?" Paul Routledge in the Daily Mirror blames himself for failing to notice.
But he sees it now. "We have a minister for children, a children's commissioner, a whole raft of charities devoted to kids and innumerable helplines for the little brats."
He blames himself and other adults for all this. Oddly, he prefers to pretend that children and young people just don't exist. For example, he argues there is no such thing as child poverty. There are only "poor adults, whose indigence impacts on their kids".
Could be time to dust off the "young people are people too" banner.
Online firms say they have checks to deal with problem gambling by young people.
But don't bet on them.
The Daily Telegraph reported an experiment in which a 16-year-old was able to place bets online on 30 of the 37 sites tested.
Tessa Jowell, the culture secretary, wants gambling web sites based in the UK to be "subject to the most stringent controls anywhere in the world".
Professor Mark Griffiths, of Nottingham Trent University, published a survey showing nine per cent of 11- to 15-year-olds had gambled on the internet. How do they do it? "Children watch their parents gamble and steal their passwords," he said. So how will these stringent controls work, Tessa?
David Cameron has floated an "early adulthood" idea. If you show you are responsible, you get rights of adulthood early.
Zoe Williams, writing in The Guardian, was unimpressed with the application to alcohol.
The scheme's "core stupidity", she analysed, is that if you withhold drinking privileges from "irresponsible youths", they will still drink.
But if you give responsible youths the right to drink at 16, all that happens is that they will drink earlier than they would have.
"Honestly," says Williams. "Anyone would think he had shares in Smirnoff Ice."
