That is according to research carried out by ChildLine last year (Tackling Bullying: listening to the views of children and young people). They see telling teachers and parents as high-risk strategies that will often prove unproductive. Even in cases where the adults around them can sort things out, they see having to ask for help as a blow to their self-esteem. "Learning to stand up for yourself" was, in fact, the only strategy that secondary-age young people thought would always or usually work.
Making a stand
Standing up for yourself doesn't mean hitting back since most bullying is non-physical. It means protecting yourself from psychological harm, letting other people's nastiness be like water off a duck's back, so that it's their problem and not yours.
Even the most confident person can be worn down by bullying if it starts when they are under stress, or goes on for a long time. The advice we usually give bullied young people is to pretend you don't care, practise walking tall, and think of something witty to say. But this is completely useless if a young person's self-esteem is already undermined because they simply can't act convincingly in assertive ways.
Bullied young people may need to build their self-confidence before they try to take action, and they may also need to learn to cope with overwhelming feelings of shame and isolation, anxiety and anger.
So how can youth workers support young people who are being bullied?
When one of my children was being bullied some years ago, I couldn't find any children's books about how to handle difficult emotions. But I discovered all the relevant information in adult self-help books, the best of which seemed to combine simple cognitive techniques with sound common sense.
I was able to test out the ideas on myself because I found that I was experiencing all the same emotions as my child: his situation was making me feel fearful, unhappy, angry and full of self-doubt. We experimented with some ideas as a family that could easily be adapted by youth workers.
Coping techniques
For example, we all played the blue game where you look around the room noticing everything that is blue. You then close your eyes and list all the things you spotted that were green.
The blue game shows that you only notice what you are actually looking at. Focusing on bad stuff such as being bullied can make young people stop noticing the good things in life just when they need them. But it also works the other way around - focusing on the good stuff can make the bad seem less important.
We also looked at how to let go of blame, how to use the energy of anger without getting aggressive or panicky, and how to handle high levels of anxiety. The strategies we worked out are simple and practical, and youth workers could certainly use them to support a bullied young person.
Young people can practise and try out the ideas in less challenging areas of their lives first, without having to tackle the bullying head on. For example, they can build their courage by starting on small fears such as jumping in the swimming pool or picking up a spider - whatever is just outside their comfort zone. They can look at their normal responses to annoying situations at home, and experiment with more effective ways of tackling them. They can try various creative activities as a way of transforming their experience.
Honesty is best
This approach is what young people want. The ChildLine research highlights the gap between what adults and young people think about bullying. There's a lot that we can do to provide safe social environments, and put structures in place to support young people when things go wrong. But bullying is a fact of life, and they know that we can't always make it go away.
We owe it to young people to be more honest and pragmatic. Telling doesn't always work, and acting assertively is often just impossible. My son endured several years of teasing and social exclusion at secondary school, but now, at the age of 21, he has a good job, a stable relationship and loads of good friends.
I heard singer Darius Danesh on TV recently talking about being bullied at school. He said that was where he got the incredible resilience to bounce back after being mocked on Popstars to do so well in Pop Idol.
If we can help young people to develop the skills they need to stand up for themselves emotionally in bullying situations, then we are also helping them to become more happy and effective in every area of life.
Jenny Alexander is the author of Bullies, Bigmouths and So-Called Friends, and Your Child: Bullying. Both have been approved by ChildLine.
