Challenging behaviour: Shift your focus from the ‘what’ to the ‘why’

In my two decades supporting families as a paediatric occupational therapist, I have seen that behind every child's behaviour, there are underlying reasons, and understanding these reasons empowers us to offer more effective support.

All behaviours have a reason

Every behaviour serves a purpose and fulfils a specific need. Challenging behaviours often stem from the child's attempt to find comfort and safety within themselves, although they might not even be aware of the exact reasons behind their actions.

When children exhibit challenging behaviours, they are typically far from calm and connected, but rather closer to a “fight” or “flight” response mode. In this state, they’re not able to engage in higher level thinking and reasoning, as they focus on restoring a sense of safety in their minds, bodies, and emotions. Therefore, it's essential for caregivers to play the role of detectives, seeking to discover the catalysts behind their behaviour.

Try not to take it personally

When children behave in ways that we find challenging, it's natural to take it personally. We might assume they're being manipulative or intentionally misbehaving. Such judgments can influence our perception of the situation and our reactions. Recognising this enables us to shift from a subjective to an objective perspective.

What is the objective behaviour?

Before we can discover the reason for a behaviour, the “why” of it, we need to take an objective look at the “what” of the behaviour. Subjective observations are our personal opinions of what is happening while objective observations are the facts.

Understanding the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’

To understand why a child behaves a certain way, we must consider two crucial elements: antecedents and consequences.

Antecedents encompass events preceding the child's behaviour, including the events of the day, how they slept, and previous experiences in similar contexts. While not technically antecedents, it's important to consider the child's developmental level and understanding, which also influence their responses.

Consequences refer to what typically follows the behaviour. For instance, if a child is removed from class for disruptive behaviour during literacy, the consequence may be that they are able to avoid showing that they have difficulty reading. Today's consequence is tomorrow's antecedent, which indicates that our responses can make behaviours more likely to occur in the future.

By examining behaviour objectively, considering the preceding events, and the typical consequences, we often unveil the underlying reason. This empowers parents to address the root cause rather than merely addressing symptoms, enabling proactive responses over reactive ones.

Connection

In a logical sequence, our final step would involve creating a plan aligned with the “why?” and that is certainly important. However, more important than what you do is how you do it.

Connection is the linchpin. When you, as a caring and composed parent, establish a strong connection with your child, their mind becomes more organised, enabling them to access their capacities for thinking and reasoning. The research shows that a brain engaged in warm, shared connection, is less prone to “fight or flight” responses typically contributing to challenging behaviours. This connection provides the child with a sense of safety and security, making them more receptive to engagement and learning.

While supporting behaviours in children may be challenging, it can be simplified by shifting your focus from the “what” of the behaviour to the “why” and supporting them through shared connection.

• Dave Jereb is a visionary paediatric occupational therapist. His new book is called Challenging the Story: A Surprisingly Simple Approach to Supporting Children with Challenging Behaviours.