Skills for the Job: Working with co-parents
Neil Puffett
Monday, June 23, 2014
Co-parents - individuals with dual parenting roles - are a growing group that early years practitioners need to be mindful of.
What are co-parents?
The term co-parents is used to describe parents who undertake the task of parenting children together but are not in a marriage, do not live together, and have no romantic relationship together. They could be living apart, after divorce or separation, but there is also a growing trend of parenting arrangements between people who want to have a child but have no desire for romantic involvement with the other parent. These mothers and fathers have relationships based on legal agreements and counselling rather than dates and romance.
Should early years practitioners be aware of parental arrangements?
Many practitioners may believe co-parenting isn't something they need to think about as they work predominantly with single parents. But even if these are the circumstances that are presented it is important to bear in mind that for most children there will be two people who hold parental responsibility, and these people have equal rights to be consulted about anything that affects their child and decisions that are made.
It can sometimes be unclear for practitioners exactly what the situation is with a family. Some parents describe themselves as being on their own when it is clear that they are in a relationship, perhaps because they are anxious about benefit entitlement or a complicated immigration issue. Some parents are parenting on their own because their partner may have died, be in prison or moved far away, while some have escaped domestic violence and their ex-partner is a significant risk to them and the children.
Practitioners can only know what is going on in families' lives by asking thoughtful and useful questions such as, "Where is his dad? Does he see him often?" or, "I know a bit about you now, but nothing at all about your son's dad and your relationship with him, can you tell me about that?"
Workers will only feel entitled to ask questions like this if they understand how important the quality of the co-parents' relationships are to a child's long-term wellbeing and life chances. It is very important indeed. What matters to children is that the people who love them get on well enough together to give the child emotional stability and consistency.
What is the impact on children when parents argue?
Most children grow up exposed to some conflict between their co-parents. Every child needs to see arguments and difficulties between parents and, most importantly, how these are resolved so that they learn to handle conflict well themselves. But some children are exposed to damaging conflict that is frequent, loud, aggressive and sometimes violent.
The research is clear about the long lasting impact of this sort of conflict. Children become highly aroused, anxious, depressed and aggressive themselves. Parental conflict can stop children from learning, affect their ability to make or keep friends and lead to significant behavioural issues.
What can practitioners do that is helpful?
Early years staff can play an important role in helping co-parents understand that their adult relationship can affect their child in ways that they are either ignorant of or are choosing to ignore as it may be too painful to accept.
By not talking about the co-parenting bond, and failing to ask sensible and appropriate questions about it, we can deprive ourselves of vital information. Because it is such a crucial area of family life, when we fail to address it we lose an opportunity to help parents make important changes - changes that could be the key to real improvements in family functioning and in children's emotional and physical wellbeing.
Honor Rhodes OBE, director of strategic development, Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships
Top tips
- Try to find out about the parenting situation when you meet a new parent for the first time
- Get parents to tell you about themselves so that you can help them more
- Help parents who have poor relationships understand that their child often secretly longs for the parent they do not see
- Be prepared to talk about relationships