BEREAVEMENT: A death in the family

While few of us talk about it, most of us at some time have shuddered at the prospect of being woken in the night by that phone call: the one telling us a family member has suddenly died or been killed in an accident. It is a nightmare that, on a subconscious level, we hope will go away if we dont mention it. However, each year one in 700 children and young people in Britain wont be so lucky and will lose a parent or sibling. The trauma of loss is a particular trial for a young person who might not even have considered the possibility of bereavement in their life. It is an ordeal that can fill them with a range of difficult emotions, from despair and shock to resentment and anger. And a young person suffering bereavement probably for the first time may benefit from specialist help.There are specialist bereavement counselling agencies in the UK, including widely respected names such as Cruse Bereavement Care, Age Concern and the Terrence Higgins Trust, but there is no national organisation specifically for bereaved young people. Thankfully for the East Midlands, Leicester is home to The Laura Centre, a bereavement counselling service providing free professional help, counselling anyone affected by the death of a young person and young people affected by the death of someone close.The Laura Centre is named after five-year-old Laura Moore, who died of leukaemia in 1989. While she was alive, her parents Gail and Harry founded the charity COPE and sought to improve standards of care for children with cancer in the East Midlands. Their efforts culminated in the opening of the COPE Oncology Unit at the Leicester Royal Infirmary. The money remaining from the initial appeal was used to set up The Laura Centre in 1991.Were very much a pioneering service, says the centres director, Jan McLaren. There is no national umbrella organisation doing this kind of work. The work is essential because it recognises that people grieve differently, regardless of whether they are young or old. If you lose your mother at the age of four, the issues will be different to when youre eight or 16, but there will still be issues, because developmentally we have different needs as we go through childhood and adolescence. According to William Worden in his book Children And Grief, one in three bereaved children needs counselling. McLaren explains that chronological age is not really the issue; rather, developmental age, psychological and physical maturity are important. She adds that in the last century there were many attempts to build models of grief, defining factors that ought and should apply, but experience shows there is no ought or should. The most important thing is to help young people grieve in their own time and in their own way.They can be distraught one hour and apparently normal the next, adds McLaren, explaining the main ways that children and young peoples grief differs from adults. Its much more a dipping in and out process than it is for adults, who tend to grieve all the time until they unexpectedly have a few good hours. In general terms, young people and children are more easily distracted than adults, and can equally be distracted away from their grief, but it is a mistake to assume they are OK.According to an academic study by Harrington in 1997, adults approach bereavement differently. They try to protect the child by ignoring their experience of death and, in doing so, make their feelings worse. But if children arent helped to mourn loss at the time it happens, major problems can be triggered in later life. There is no set time when a young person will get over their loss, but time and support can help them live with it. If you can provide a child with all they need they can usually get on with their lives, but that doesnt mean to say they are not deeply hurting, explains McLaren. In the teenage years, young people become aware of others and other peoples needs, and they can feel desperately alone if a parent dies. In Leicestershire, between 150 and 250 young people aged 13 to 19 will be bereaved of either a parent or sibling every year. The Laura Centre helps by introducing them to other young people experiencing similar things. In Ireland, childrens charity Barnardos operates a specialist service called Solas that helps children and young people come to terms with grief. With offices in Dublin and Cork, its aim is to help them understand death, to grieve and come to terms with their loss. Like The Laura Centre, Solas can work with individuals, groups and families. For many children, a loss in the family is the last thing they were expecting, says a spokesman. They may never have even considered it before, and naturally it can leave them feeling utterly disoriented. One young person who has used Solas, and wishes to remain anonymous, reflects the attitudes of the bereaved: Everyone says Im sorry about your da and I know what youre going through. Thats so stupid. They didnt lose my da. Sadness is like a stone in your heart. People who say they know how you feel are thick. They only know sadness from the outside. In the UK, Cruse is the leading charity specialising in bereavement. It currently has 178 branches and over 6,300 UK volunteers. Over 100,000 people contact Cruse each year and in 1999 it set up a Youth Involvement Project specifically for 12 to 18-year-olds. Cruse offers its services free, relying on donations from individuals and funding from grant-making bodies. Debbie Kerslake, Cruse client service manager, says: YIP is in the last of four years of funding by The Diana Memorial Fund, but it has been so successful we will definitely be continuing it in some form. The Laura Centre needs to raise 100,000 by April just to continue. It has stuck to its principle of not charging clients for its services, though many have made voluntary contributions.The demand for our services has grown, says co-founder Harry Moore. Our counselling is, literally, a lifesaver for many families. The centre is now a victim of its own success, and is in desperate need of funds if it is to survive.Fundraising is an intrinsic part of The Laura Centres day-to-day work. Because the centre provides its services without charge, it relies on charitable contributions to survive. This is no small task, as fundraising co-ordinator Diane Wagstaff will attest. The Leicestershire Primary Care Trust supports the centres work, but this only makes up one-fifth of the 240,000 required annually.We have to raise 180,000 from voluntary donations per year, says Wagstaff. We primarily approach charitable trusts and foundations, and weve just submitted applications to the Community Fund, Comic Relief, Children In Need and other major funders. Leicester City football club is among the centres many benefactors through its Player Charity Scheme. Every player supports a preferred local charity for 12 months, and in 2002 defender Gerry Taggert pledged his support to The Laura Centre, presenting a cheque for 1,000 to Wagstaff in August at the clubs Walkers Stadium. We are a small charity with only one primary fundraiser and its easy for us to get overlooked, she explains. Some potential funders are reluctant to get involved because they wrongly consider counselling to be a luxury rather than an essential part of the grieving process. One lady who lost her son as long ago as the Sixties still gets great benefit from attending the centre, even after all this time. Grieving is something that can be a lifelong process, says Wagstaff. Some funders dont like that: they want to see a time frame and definitive results. The problems will end up with Connexions personal advisers if The Laura Centre ceases to exist, she points out.A brothers bereavementOn average, 300 young people aged under 25 die each year in Leicestershire and Rutland and The Laura Centre has counselled over 2,000 parents and 500 young people since it opened. One in three referrals to The Laura Centre for children and young people bereaved of a parent follow a sudden death from unnatural causes, such as suicide or road accidents.Many come in feeling there is something strange or freakish about them, says Jan McLaren, director of The Laura Centre. We help them realise that their feelings and insecurities are not unique to them. Group sessions work well, and sometimes we dont have to do much except be there for them. In the one-on-one sessions, the counsellors let them really express how it is for them.One visitor, 13-year-old Suraj Dalal, lost his sister Raakhee, then 18, to cancer, and came along to The Laura Centre with his mum Amila. I never thought I could talk about my sister or think about her without my eyes flooding with tears, he explains. At The Laura Centre I talk about things, but if I dont want to talk there is no pressure and I can play or something. I can now talk and think about Raakhee without crying.McLaren advises youth workers and others working with bereaved young people to at least acknowledge the fact. She believes its important to tell them that you dont know how theyre feeling, but that you are aware of whats happened and are willing to help if you can. You cant force help on people, but you shouldnt be scared to mention the issue, she adds. The hurt is there anyway, youre unlikely to make it worse by mentioning it.Find out moreThe Laura Centre 0116 254 4341 www.thelauracentre.org Solas Barnardos, Christchurch Square, Dublin 8, Republic of IrelandCruse Bereavement Care020 8939 9530 Youth Involvement Project 0161 819 5810 www.rd4u.org.uk Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies, J. William Worden, Guilford Press, 1996