Grieving children need support to help avoid long-term challenges

Childhood is a time of learning, exploring and developing. While we might hope that children learn mostly through positive experiences, the reality is that one in 29 are already learning what it is to face the death of their mum or dad, brother or sister. Many more are learning to live without someone else important in their lives: the granddad who picked them up from school, the close friend, the beloved teacher.

Some bereavements are part of growing up, but others are devastating and hugely disruptive to children’s lives. They often set off a train of many other changes: moving house, changing school, meeting and making new friends, all without the support of the person who has died.

Short-term reactions to a death, such as intense feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety and rage, can bring challenges to children’s relationships with family members and friends, and can make it very difficult for them to cope with the pressures of life at school. If their grief goes unrecognised and unsupported, they can face longer-term challenges. An increasing body of knowledge shows them to be at increased risk of poor mental and physical health, difficulties at school, criminal behaviour and even early mortality. How many adults facing difficulties in their lives can trace these back to the death of someone they loved?

This week has seen the first Children’s Grief Awareness Week (19 to 25 November) with organisations across the UK coming together to raise awareness of grieving children in our communities and the benefits of supporting them. The theme of the week is “Supporting parents and carers, supporting grieving children” in recognition that the first line of care is from those closest to the child. Indeed, a warm, consistent surviving parent with an open style of communication is one of the key determinants of a child’s outcomes following the death of their mum or dad.

But these widowed parents need support themselves. They need support from their family, friends, schools and communities. They also need a benefits system that underpins the care they are providing for their children, and doesn’t pile on the stress when it’s most unhelpful. In 2017, the current system of Widowed Parent’s Allowance will be replaced by the Bereavement Support Payment, paid over a much shorter time: it will be stopped at the first anniversary of the death. The Childhood Bereavement Network estimates that 75 per cent of families will be worse off under the new plans, and those with younger children will be disproportionately hit by the cuts.

Families with longer term financial needs will get this through Universal Credit, on condition they are actively seeking and available for work. That may mean they have to go back to, or take up, work before their children are ready. Other changes to the welfare landscape will also make things harder for widowed parents: limiting Child Tax Credit and the child element of Universal Credit to two children for new claimants from 2017 would mean that widows and widowers with larger families – born when both parents expected to live to support their children into adulthood – will suffer. Rising funeral costs, the under-occupancy charge and a freeze on working age benefits will all have an impact on them too.

As well as financial and practical support, parents often need reassurance about how their children are grieving, how they can best care for them and where to get more help when they need it. Children may need to speak to someone outside the family with whom they can share their worries when they don’t want to be a burden to their parents.

Typically, this support is offered by specialist child bereavement services, some offering support to children bereaved in specific circumstances (for example, of a patient in the care of a hospice), while others offer it to children in all circumstances, including those bereaved suddenly or violently. Through a mix of one-to-one, family and group support, these services provide a chance for children to understand more about what has happened and what will happen next, find ways of expressing and understanding their feelings, and feel less alone. Services help parents find ways to answer their children’s questions, grieve together and learn to live with the loss. Many offer training and consultancy to schools and other children’s professionals, helping them offer better care to the children they meet every day.

Provision is patchy though and even where services exist, their funding is often precarious. We need to make sure these community-based services are well supported so that they can continue to offer this preventative help, saving time and money spent on more acute services.

With one child in every classroom affected by bereavement, we should remember that children all around us are learning to cope with the loss of a loved one. We must open our eyes and recognise that compassion and practical support are needed in equal measures.

For details of local support services, visit www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk

Anna Feuchtwang is chief executive of the National Children’s Bureau